When the past comes back to bite you in the ass | savage love | Detroit

Click to enlarge
If thinking and talking about your husband's past doesn't make you angry anymore, stop thinking and talking about your husband's past.  - Joe Newton

  • Joe Newton
  • If thinking and talking about your husband’s past doesn’t make you angry anymore, stop thinking and talking about your husband’s past.

So, my husband (42 year old male straight) and I (38 year old female bisexual) have had a closed relationship so far, but have an active fantasy life. We’ve been together for about four years now, and we’ve both had our fair share of partners (both casual and serious) before that. We like to talk about fantasies involving other people during sex, whether they are actual (ex-partners) or imagined (the beautiful surf coach on a trip). Once while he was eating my pussy, I asked him about all the pussies he had enjoyed in the past and raised one of his girlfriends – a relationship that ended ten years before we met – and he said he sometimes thinks about it when he goes down and/or has sex with subsequent partners, including me . This is about me. Much. I started petting her every now and then while we were having sex, I asked him about her more, I fancied meeting her and eating the pussy which he enjoyed so much. Like other ex-partners, I became part of the mental/verbal reel of porn that we sometimes enjoy during sex.

Then one day, in an unrelated conversation, it was revealed that he was engaged to her, that the reason for their separation was that they could not have a long-distance relationship after he moved to the country we live in, and that it took years to get over it. This killed her for me. Not only that, but I now feel weird about all the times we’ve fantasized about her in the past. It’s not like he did anything wrong – I didn’t specifically ask how serious the relationship was or why it ended – but I can’t get rid of the irrational feeling of an omission. I sometimes think about past experiences during masturbation or sex, but I never think about serious partners – never about the men I’ve lived with, been married with, or had a child with. These experiences are too emotionally loaded to combine with my current sex life in a healthy, separate way. I know my husband may handle/feel things differently, but I can’t help but point out what he was doing to me by fantasizing about my ex during sex, which I didn’t and would feel weird as I think about it. I don’t see her as a threat – they don’t make contact and she lives in the other hemisphere – and I believe him when he says he doesn’t have any great weight about any of his ex-boyfriends, including her. But knowing that it was one of the most important relationships in his life makes fantasizing about her — out loud with me — feel “comfortable.” I don’t have that feeling just about her now, but about his past in general. How do I shake this? ideas?

– On turns off

If thinking and talking about your husband’s past doesn’t piss you off anymore, Totito, stop thinking and talking about your husband’s past. But if you want to go back to enjoying these fantasies with your husband — dirty talk about your former sexual partners — you’ll need to think with yourself.

Let’s give it a whirl…

So, your husband was engaged to this woman and presumably lived with her for a while, but your husband’s relationship with this woman meets only one of three somewhat arbitrary criteria for “pussy is not good to think about during sex with an existing partner.” Yes, she was. Serious relationship, but they did not marry and did not have children. And if they wanted to be together, they would have found a way to make it work despite the distance. If she wanted to be with your husband more than she wanted to stay where she was living when they separated, she could have married him and emigrated. Likewise, if your husband wanted to be with this woman more than he wanted to remain where he was living when he cut her off, he could have married her and emigrated. Neither of them made that choice, TOTITO, and I think neither of them made that choice because the seriousness wasn’t as seriously as the “engaged” thing that makes it seem. Yes, yes: someone (most likely your husband) suggested, someone said yes (most likely his ex). But the words are cheap and “lightning” is not just a word. It’s a promise and serious, TOTITO, but in the end it’s just air.

And now, since I’m feeling so daring, I’ll risk doing some math…

She says you have been with your husband of 42 years for four years. His relationship with his ex-fiancé ended ten years before you met. So, that means your husband was at most 28 years old when he broke off his engagement to his ex and suppose they had been dating for a few years, what was it? In his mid-twenties when they met? This means that the prefrontal cortex, a part of the brain involved in executive functions such as decision-making, long-term planning, and higher-order thinking, was not fully formed even when he was proposed to this woman.

So, you have a choice. You can attach great importance to the fact that they were engaged or you can look at other facts as evidence – that they both chose where they lived during the relationship, and how old they were at the time of their engagement – and see the relationship as much less important than the label “committed” makes it sound intact.

All that said, if you’ve been hearing about pussies in your husband’s past doing nothing for your pussy now, then tell your husband you don’t want to hear about them right now. If you miss the dirty talk during sex, instead of talking about the hot sex you had in the past, TOTITO, try talking about all the hot sex you will have in the future.

Over the past few months, I’ve been communicating a lot with my co-worker (I’m a bi woman, he’s a straight guy). It’s going well, we love each other (we even said “I love you” to each other), but there are two problems. First, I’m 23 and it’s 40. The age difference doesn’t really bother me if I don’t think about it too much, but it does matter to a lot of my loved ones. Second, I’m not looking for a serious relationship, because I haven’t been single in a while and am going through my “ho stage”, but it seems like he wants to be exclusive. I’ve tried to break things or slow things down, but he’s going through horrible shit now and he needs me. It improved his life, it improved my mental state, but it also had a bad effect and brought me back to bad habits. To make matters worse, it seems like the new guy in our business is inside of me who is cute and very close to my age, and we get along pretty well, so I might want to give this a shot. I don’t know if I should end things, or even how to end them if I wanted to. Any advice on how to get out of this safely?

– So terrible at something easy

When you say you want to get out of this “safely”, what you mean is that you want the impossible from me. You want me to tell you how to end this relationship so subtly that the person you left won’t notice or get upset. Sorry, PHASE, but there’s no way to end things with the co-worker you’re currently having sex with so you can have sex with the co-worker you’d rather have sex without the co-worker that you currently find out you left so you can start having sex with a different co-worker. If only your family objected to the relationship because of the age difference, I urge you to stay in it. But you want to get out and the relationship isn’t healthy. (You didn’t mention the bad habits he brought you back into, PHASE, but I’m going to assume it’s not the double of PARKING AND GENERAL Grooming.) You can’t stay just because he needs you.

Note: I’m supposed to tell you not to sleep with my co-workers – it’s here in my beloved version of Writing Tips Columns For Dummies – But I will put that aside, for this ship has already sailed, hit an iceberg, and sank to the bottom of the ocean.

Questions? FAQ@savagelove.net. Follow Dan on Twitter Tweet embed. Savage Lovecast, books, merchandise and more at wild love!

Stay connected with the Detroit Metro Times. Subscribe to our site Newsletters, and we followed Google NewsAnd Apple newsAnd TwitterAnd Facebook social networking siteAnd Instagram, or reddit.


Write a Comment