courtesy The Yard Milkshake Bar” class=”uk-display-block uk-position-relative uk-visible-toggle”>
I talked to a little boy in The Yard Milkshake Bar the other day.
“What are you eating?” I asked him, pointing to the candy towering in front of him.
He tied his right shoulder to protect my view of the candy he was petting.
I told his mother, “I’m sorry.” At least I think it was his mother. his nanny? I looked like all the blond-headed cheerleaders who called me a pauper in high school.
“He has something about his food,” she whispered, then turned to the child. “Derek, tell the man what you have in there.”
“Make the man go!” Derek snorted and his mouth filled with what looked like blue cake frosting. The table was filled with brightly colored cake sprinkles.
“It’s the one with the chocolate cake,” explained the young woman, then shrugged her shoulders. She was sitting behind a cinnamon roll topped with milk in front of her.
I showed her, “I’ve got a Cinnamon Toast Crunch,” probably because Derek was a little bitch to me. “Do you want a bite?”
Then she laughed in a way that made it clear she didn’t want me to stand near her, please, so she smiled wildly and went to the counter to ask.
I said, “I’ll take a piece of cake.” “And Camelback Mountain.”
I stared at the menu behind the table. “Also donut touch my coffee and cream.” It was difficult to say that for a number of different reasons.
“Are they here or to go?” asked the cute young lady behind the counter. I glanced at Derek.
I practically yelled “to go”.
At home, I ate a milkshake and read at The Yard Milkshake Bar. There was not much to learn; Apparently, a cute young Alabama couple named Logan and Chelsea Green decided that a milkshake piled high with other things was what was missing from the culinary world, and about four years ago they released The Yard. The franchise has grown to include seven locations, the last of which was crammed into the hustle and bustle of remote downtown Phoenix, at 50 W Jefferson Street, Suite 120.
These are no ordinary milkshakes. This is an I-just-smoked a-pound-of-hash-and-invented-a-dessert milkshake. If drag queens were milkshakes, they would look like the creations you brought home from The Yard.
In the language of greens, these are “crazy milkshakes.” They are served in mason jars and have cheerful names like The Cereal Killer (a fruity grit marshmallow ice cream, a jar rolled in Fruity Pebbles and topped with a Rice Krispies treat made with Fruity Pebbles) and Cookie Butter Me Up (cinnamon-flavored cake ice cream rolled in cinnamon sugar) and Cinnamon Toast Crunch—greens great on a breakfast cereal—and whipped cream where a whole cinnamon roll has been stuffed). Many of The Yard’s shakes come in very bright colors, and can be eaten in the dark.
The three I ordered were delicious. Each was less inclined than soft ice cream, and despite the string of ingredients, I somehow managed to savor every flavor.
The Mint Green Monster was mostly chocolate chip and mint ice cream, and its jar was wrapped in crushed Oreo cookies. The brownie jam on top was moist, lumpy, and covered in marshmallow fluff.
Camelback Mountain, an exclusive from Phoenix, looked like a Mardi Gras float but contained the simplest and most complementary flavors—orange ice cream, whipped cream, and star-shaped chocolate brownie.
Donut Touch My Coffees and Cream was my favorite, although by the time I got there – perhaps needless to say, I hadn’t eaten any of these; Doing so will lead to a diabetic coma – I was moaning. There was no breakfast cereal in this one, just nice rich coffee ice cream and more crushed Oreos, whipped cream and a drizzle of chocolate syrup. I had a piece of a full-size glazed cake covered on top; It was light and airy and proof that cake served with ice cream sounds like a good idea but it isn’t.
The Yard also sells edible cookie dough and milkshake kits that you can order online and make at home. This was a relief, as I desperately wanted to try Greens’ Salted Caramel Cheesecake and Old School Banana Split, which includes a full-size banana. I loved the idea of receiving milkshakes in the mail, especially because it meant I never had to risk running into Derek again. Kids can hang out around ice cream.