dear miss: I adore my old friend and the happy life we built together. However, there is a recurring issue on which we periodically disagree: his birthday.
Although I haven’t really enjoyed getting older, I have always enjoyed celebrating my birthday – what a great excuse to see loved ones and share a good time with food and/or drinks!
But my friend sees his birthday from a completely different perspective.
I share life with him, and I am privy to some of the horror stories that were his birthdays. To be honest, they weren’t great. But that life left him decades behind.
We, an outgoing and proud gay couple, have been blessed with as many friends who have become as dear to us as any blood relative could be. They have regularly expressed their desire to celebrate his birthday over the years. Unfortunately, my boyfriend often lies to them (or expects me to!) about his exact birthday, claiming that the date has already passed.
I think this behavior is selfish. I’ve had a lot of bad birthdays, even with the people I love, but I would never think of using that as a weak excuse to justify deception. What’s more, I’m amazed that we have so many amazing people in our lives who want to celebrate this amazing guy, and he’s so offended!
He claims the effort and energy to show appreciation for gifts or jam through small talk (which, to be fair, isn’t his forte) just make anyone else’s day more difficult.
I don’t know how to justify this mentality to myself or others. I suggested he speak to a professional about it, but to me he seems to be simply too intent on depriving our loved ones of the opportunity to celebrate him and show their happiness at his birth. Instead, he chose disdain!
please help! What is the gentle and generous way of showing the error of his ways? How can I stop these pseudoscientists who are arrogant at best and cruel at worst?
Gentle Reader: Show your love and appreciation by forcing him to endure an event he deems unpleasant?
It is possible that in addition to his bad memories, he has seen many people use birthdays as a selfish test for others to prove their fidelity, usually inferring that they have failed. But that doesn’t matter. The important part is that the guy doesn’t enjoy these parties. Are you seriously suggesting he’s looking for a cure for this?
Miss Manners hopes that you and her friends will find ways to show the appreciation he already enjoys.
dear miss: Know the existence, location, and purpose of dessert spoons and forks. But I still don’t understand how to eat with them.
Eat the cake with the fork and leave the spoon alone? Eat ice cream with the spoon and leave the fork? If there is sauce, can I – or may I – eat with a fork and wipe with a spoon? Have you ever used both at once?
Gentle Reader: Actually you do: This is the default in formal meals, and is used for every dessert except for the silly ones. So please don’t let Miss Manners hear about you putting a spoon on a cake or a fork on an ice cream (unless it’s an ice cream fork).
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